Hello Friends,
Here’s a small communication experiment you can try.
Think of someone you love and one judgment you sometimes have about them…
“He’s lazy.”
“She’s controlling.”
“My child is disrespectful.”
“He never listens.”
“She’s so selfish.”
Now here’s the surprising part:
What if you didn’t have to get rid of the judgment?
What if instead you learned how to translate it into something useful?
Now, instead of trying to stop yourself from judging, get curious.
What important need or longing of yours might be hidden inside that judgment?
“Selfish” might be pointing toward a longing for mutuality, consideration, reciprocity, or support.
“Controlling” might point toward your needs for autonomy, choice, or respect.
“Lazy” might reveal how much you value contribution, responsibility, or partnership.
“Disrespectful” might point toward consideration, acknowledgment, or cooperation.
This is one of my favorite discoveries from Nonviolent Communication (NVC):
We don’t have to make our judgments wrong. We can learn to harvest the useful information inside them. NVC gives us something practical and reachable to replace judgment with: curiosity about human needs.
That’s what I’ll be exploring in my upcoming summit interview – From Judgment to Connection: A Language of Hope for Families. My interview is scheduled for August 28th. The free summit is called “Our Children…Our Future! Our Families …Our Hope”, hosted by Sharon Wikoff at The Art of Living Life.
You can register here – the summit is free –
Our Children…Our Future! Our Families…Our Hope! Summit #5
This isn’t only about parents and children. The same pattern – judgments getting in the way of connection – shows up everywhere – between adult siblings, work colleagues, couples and generations of family members who share responsibility for a business.
I’m also intrigued by how this theme appears in the work of other summit speakers.
Parenting and teen coach Ashley Radzat will explore how to listen without immediately fixing, respond to strong emotions without escalating them, and maintain parental leadership without relying on shame or threats.
Art therapist Clare Dash will explore something remarkably complementary: what becomes possible when we approach difficult behavior – in our children and ourselves – with curiosity rather than judgment.
Different approaches, but there’s a common question underneath them:
What becomes possible when we stop asking, “What’s wrong with this person?” and instead become curious – “What is happening underneath, for us and for them?”
That’s a question worth exploring in families, classrooms, workplaces, and perhaps everywhere human beings have to figure out how to live together.
What Are You Noticing?
As you think about the judgments that arise in your own family or relationships, I’d love to hear what you notice.
Is there a judgment you hear yourself thinking or saying again and again?
What changes when you become curious about the needs underneath it?
You’re welcome to reply and tell me. Your questions and experiences also help me understand what would be most useful to explore in my upcoming Summit conversation.
If this touches something important in your own life…
Sometimes one recurring judgment, conflict, or difficult relationship can be an especially useful place to begin practicing a different way.
If you’d like some individual support, I offer a complimentary 50-minute Breakthrough Conversation where we can explore what’s happening, what matters to you, and what might help.
And I hope you’ll join me on August 28th for From Judgment to Connection: A Language of Hope for Families as part of the free Our Children…Our Future! Our Families…Our Hope! Summit, August 17 – September 4.
Peace and warm regards,
Catherine Cooley
Peaceabl
(Photo by Crazy Cake, Unsplash)
