I’d like to share a recent client question with you.
Client Question:
Is heartbroken really a neutral term? [for naming an emotion]
Doesn’t it imply that someone broke it?
Short Answer:
Yes, ‘heartbroken’ is inherently a neutral term for naming an emotion. ‘Heartbroken’ is on CNVC’s (Center for Nonviolent Communication) Feelings Inventory, and is considered to describe a specific emotional state.
Yet you are right in your concern that naming that you are feeling heartbroken, could be interpreted by the listener as blame. They might think that you are subtly or in a sideways manner accusing them and resenting them for being at fault for causing you harm. This of course does not mean that you are actually accusing them of this!
However, if there is any truth in their assumption, and you want to maintain an authentic and empathic connection with them, this would be an important opportunity for you to ‘come clean’ with them.
Is there some resentment and make-wrong going on inside you about them, alongside the fact that ‘heartbroken’ accurately describes your feeling state? If so, when you have capacity, it would be helpful to have a vulnerable NVC ‘Honesty Conversation’ about this. (Helping them understand your feelings and needs about this.)
Faux Feelings Fallout
This question emerged because the ‘heartbroken’ example reminded my client of a whole class of words that people use to express feelings that bring up defensiveness in people hearing them. We call them ‘faux feelings’, and consider them to be judgments masquerading as feelings. Examples include, I feel… “abandoned, betrayed, bullied, rejected” etc). If you’d like to see a list of these you can go to www.peaceabl.com/resources and get a copy of Heartalk for a list of ‘faux feelings’.
The danger of using these judgment words is that they don’t accurately express our emotions, and they often trigger defensiveness instead of connection and increased understanding. Instead of speaking them, we are better off internally translating them into something that will be helpful to speak out loud – into our feelings and needs.
For example, instead of saying, “I feel abandoned”, I can more accurately say,
“I’m feeling scared because I need support right now.” or
“I’m feeling surprised because I thought you were going to go with me and back me up.”
Choosing Our ‘Giraffe’ Words Wisely
This is a dance we do constantly as we consciously choose our language with people. You can get in trouble even when you say something with ‘giraffe consciousness’ (i.e. NVC or Nonviolent Communication consciousness; meaning with great care and awareness of human needs and interdependence of well being).
Even when your message is accompanied by skillful ‘giraffe’ wording, someone may hear it with their “jackal ears pointed in” I.E. it will touch an internal soft spot in them, and often trigger feelings of shame or guilt and painful thoughts, and they will get defensive or even aggressive.
For example, “I feel heartbroken” can be heard as,
“She thinks I’m insensitive and selfish and that I am the cause of her suffering in this relationship.”
‘Jackal Thinking’ Derails Conversations and Relationships, Including with Yourself
In NVC the jackal animal represents the part of all of us that uses thoughts and speech that disconnect us from each other’s hearts – such as blame, criticism, manipulating, demanding etc. If I am wearing ‘Jackal ears in’, it means I am directing this kind of painful thinking towards myself.
That could be why the person in the example above heard “I feel heartbroken” as,
“She thinks I’m insensitive and selfish and that I am the cause of her suffering in this relationship.”
He was likely wearing ‘jackal ears in’ about some painful things that happened in the relationship and his own responsibility for them.
If you’d like to see a list of the “4 D’s of Disconnection” you can go to www.peaceabl.com/resources and get a copy of Heartalk. Once you familiarize yourself with them you will likely hear them being spoken everywhere around you! And also see their sad results!
A Similar Landmine to Watch Out For
The same kind of defensiveness and disconnection can be triggered even while carefully doing step #2 of NVC as you attempt to offer someone empathy – i.e. guessing what they are feeling and needing. Guessing what someone is feeling can trigger people immediately and fiercely.
Maybe you can imagine or remember this happening in your life?
Person A in ‘giraffe mode’, i.e. with genuine care: “I’m guessing you are feeling angry because you need, value or want xyz?
Person B, in jackal mode: (in a loud, sharp voice, fists clenched) I’m NOT ANGRY!!!”
For this reason, when offering empathy sometimes we skip the step of guessing feelings and go right to guessing a person’s needs, which are usually received with fewer triggers activated.
Bringing Healing to a Jackal in Pain
When we are heard by someone who is wearing their ‘jackal ears in’, and get defensive or upset, we have some great tools to move back into connection.
- First we can offer them genuine empathy for their pain (assuming we are emotionally resourced for this).
- Second, if the empathy lands as helpful for them, then we can patiently re-share the original message we wanted them to receive and understand.
- Lastly, follow this with a request for them to please tell us what they are understanding.
For example,
#1. “Henry, I am sorry that hearing me share that I feel heartbroken brings up hard feelings in you. Is it because you are thinking that I am blaming you and you want to be seen for your intentions and your experience?”
#2. “Henry, are you open to hearing more about my experience and what I meant?”
If so…”I am feeling great sadness about your decision to not go with me to my family’s vacation. I honor your free choice, and I feel very sad when I think about the experiences we won’t be sharing, and the missed opportunity of strengthening bonds with my closest people.”
#3. “Would you be willing to tell me what you are hearing?”
Is It Worth My Investment?
We choose our words according to what we think the capacity of the other person is to take them in at any time, weighing also of course how much we want to or are able to invest.
There is a caveat here if you decide you don’t have time to invest, to have a slowed down and caring conversation: keep in mind that we often chronically underestimate how much time would be wise to invest in empathic understanding!
As a result we bear a lot of unnecessary and painful relationship breakdowns and all of their accompanying costs – wasted time, hurt feelings, decisions based on misunderstanding, resentment, distancing, avoidance…and on and on!
Practicing for Better Connection Next Time
Here are two exercises that will help you advance your skills in the areas we have talked about today. I’d love to hear about your experience with these.
First review the “4 D’s of Disconnection”, the “4 R’s of Reconnection” and the Faux Feelings on Heartalk, which you can find here – www.peaceabl.com/resources.
#1 Translating Faux Feelings to Something Helpful
The next time you say or hear a ‘faux feeling’, such as “attacked, ignored, manipulated or neglected”, translate it into the likely emotion that is being felt, and also the unmet need that might be associated.
For example, instead of saying “I feel ignored.”
I might say,
“I feel sad and lonely because I want some quality time with you and to see that I matter.”
(You can get Feelings & Needs Inventories to assist you – on the same webpage as Heartalk – www.peaceabl.com/resources.)
#2 Mending Disconnection with Reconnection
Review Heartalk (www.peaceabl.com/resources) for the 4 D’s of Disconnection – Diagnosing, Denying choice, Demanding, Deserve thinking, & The 4 R’s of Reconnection – Respecting others and self, Responsibility taking, Requesting, Remembering we are all interdependent.
Choose one D of Disconnection to listen for in conversations this week.
In the context you heard it, how might you replace the ‘D’ with a corresponding or related R of Reconnection?
What do you Think?
I’d love to hear your thoughts about challenges you experience when you share your feelings. What are some of the communication ‘landmines’ you have run into recently?
If You’d Like Some Help with An Important Work or Personal Relationship
Please reach out if you are in conflict or experiencing stress in a work or personal relationship that is important to you. Or if you are inspired to learn how you can bring more empathy and collaboration into your workplace as part of its culture.
I invite you to set up a complimentary session with me to explore possible approaches.
You can find a time that works for you here
Complimentary Breakthrough Conversation – 50 min
I look forward to connecting with you soon.
Peace and warm regards,
Catherine
Photo by Ghaith Harstany on Unsplash
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