Recently, I was having lunch with a client at Renaud’s, a local French cafe with the best croissants in Santa Barbara. At the next table a young teen was holding her baby sister. Suddenly, the baby bumped a plate, which fell and shattered on the tile floor so loudly that everyone in the cafe looked. From the cashier line, the girls' mother looked back in horror, reacting in anger and embarrassment.
"Oh god!" she said in the direction of her teen daughter. In her words, I could hear implied judgment and the force of her own humiliation. Then, she looked towards the counter for help, upset about the unwanted attention and being at cause for the broken plate.
I glanced at the teen. She held her head down as far as it could go in obvious shame and embarrassment. The baby, meanwhile, was fine with all of this, smiling and happy--completely unaware of the turmoil it had caused.
Was there anything I could do to make this young girl a little happier? While the waiter was helping to relieve the mom’s tension, I wanted to bring relief to the teen. So I offered her eye contact. I said to her: “That must have felt so shocking for you when the plate fell and broke.”
“Yes it did,” she said, with a small relieved smile, returning my eye contact. In that instant, she took a breath and I could see her whole body relax.
Wow, that felt so nice to bring her a little ease, and it was so easy to do. Someone should teach this! 🙂
I like that it happened in a croissant shop too. I recently heard an empathy expert say that life is like a croissant. To make croissants you alternate many layers of dough and butter. The dough is all of our direct experiences of life, and empathy - people reflecting these experiences to us compassionately - is the butter. Yes, more butter please!
Recipe for an Daily Empathy Croissant: 1) Roll out life. 2) Add empathy. 3) Chill. Repeat 5x. (More often = better croissant.) Then bake for 10 minutes at 350º F. For an extra treat, drizzle chocolate on top and garnish with fresh strawberries and whipped butter cream ganache. Next day, repeat.
Don't forget to give yourself an empathy croissant. Some of the most potent healing comes from empathy you can give to yourself. AND, when you're needing empathy, you can't really give anyone else empathy until you've given it to yourself first. So, be generous with your empathy croissants!
Peace and prosperity,
This week on the Peace Parlor, we have Chief Rabble Rouser Zemo Trevathan of Zemo Trevathan & Associates. Zemo is a management change consultant. We caught up with Zemo in an espresso bar in New York City for this Peace Parlor interview.
Our conversation ranged over Zemo's extensive career and gave a number of interesting insights into what he has learned working with top executives in some of the largest companies in the world. One of Zemo's contributions to business communications is what he calls the Four Conversations. Here's how it works.
Conversation #1: Before you even start talking, you need to reach agreement about what are we going to do and what are you going to call it? What are you needing out of this, what do I need? You get clear on expectations. These expectations, Zemo says, can cause mischief unless they are accurately translated to into shared agreements. That's what the first conversation is about.
Conversation #2: This is just plain connection. What we do 95% of time when we're talking to other people. Build rapport. Build caring. Build trust. Day to day being in touch, maintaining info flow and empathy that are the lifeblood of the relationship.
Conversation #3: Next, it's time to address the gaps and potential gaps. It's important to hold this conversation in the spirit of learning and working together to fix whatever breakdowns we might encounter. These "gaps" are usually addressed by person with power to say what to do. If your first two conversations have been fruitful and connecting, it's easy to gauge the impact of tending the gaps. The sooner in real time the gap is addressed the better. Again, this is not about assigning blame, but is undertaken for discovery. As gaps come to light, it will become necessary to circle back to Conversation #1, to make new agreements.
Conversation #4: This is the review. Relevant questions include how are we doing? What’s working, what’s not? An assessment based on the previous conversations and our ability to transform gaps into new agreements.
Click below to see the entire interview.
Have you ever been bummed and stressed about work, for a day? A week? A month? A year?Did you ever resent being “managed”? Did you ever feel afraid that if people at work really knew who you are, they’d probably fire you? Did you ever feel like your job was meaningless? That, in the larger scheme of things, the whole company’s mission was trivial? Was your self talk something like, well that’s just how it is in business?
That's how I saw it. And you know, I was right. Up until now!
Turns out, there’s a quiet “Teal Revolution” going on. It’s made up of people like you, me and billionaire Tony Hsieh, CEO of Zappos. The next evolutionary leap of business beginning. Frederic Laloux’s laid it out in his book, Reinventing Organizations...A Guide to Creating Organizations Inspired by the Next Stage of Human Consciousness. The color teal refers to this level of consciousness, as described by Integral theory and its cousin, spiral dynamics. (NOTE: The Spiral Dynamics Synergy Yellow level is EQUAL to the Integral Teal level. Turquoise follows one level up in both systems.)
Sometimes when I’m reading about the new workplace practices in Reinventing Organizations, I pinch myself and wonder: Is this really happening? It feels just too good to be true!
Maybe because I have been challenged all of my adult working life when it comes to feeling good about my contributions, the feeling of the teamwork, and how I fit in with the company culture and purpose. Apart from my precious years as a stay at home mom, I never really hit my fulfillment stride in my jobs, which was one reason I started my own company. Not that running Peaceabl is easier than doing my old jobs, as you entrepreneurs probably well know, but it is more fulfilling, affirming and peaceful in many ways. More soulful. And it opens the path to way more profit.
And that is the bright teal future that Laloux is predicting for those of us in the Teal Revolution, as we transform the way we collaborate with each other and with other organizations. His work pulls from a field called “developmental theory” and Integral theory, and maintains that organizations are moving forward along an evolutionary spectrum, toward self-management, wholeness, and a deeper sense of purpose.
Did you catch that? We are moving toward self-management, wholeness and a deeper sense of purpose!
This is to replace what many of us struggle with. As Laloux puts it:
“Many people sense that the way organizations are run today has been stretched to its limits. In survey after survey, business people make it clear that in their view, companies are places of dread and drudgery, not passion or purpose. Organizational disillusionment afflicts government agencies, nonprofits, schools, and hospitals just as much. Further, it applies not just to the powerless at the bottom of the hierarchy. Behind a facade of success, many top leaders are tired of the power games and infighting; despite their desperately overloaded schedules, they feel a vague sense of emptiness. All of us yearn for better ways to work together — for more soulful workplaces where our talents are nurtured and our deepest aspirations are honored.”
Organizational disillusionment might be a sign that we are outgrowing the current model of organization and getting ready for the next. Laloux has studied 12 companies who have developed this “teal” level of consciousness and compared their practices.
It turns out the 12 companies came to their structure and practices independently and for the most part didn’t know about each other, yet there is so much similarity that it seems that a coherent new organizational model is emerging.
Having a clear, regularly used conflict resolution practice that everyone is trained in is core to being Teal! Not surprisingly, that’s a big part of my excitement about this movement.
I had an opportunity this week to interview Manfred Friedrich, an Organizational Development consultant and Executive Coach for Palaestra. He works closely with top leaders of large international organizations and has been amazed at how many cannot deliver or receive feedback in a clear, honest, safe way. Nor can they really listen to anyone without becoming reactive.
If you sometimes ride in this same stressful boat, please take note! These important, basic communication skills are all learnable in a simple 4 step process that cleans up your relationships as you go! Too good to be true? Not at all - it’s what I love to do!
If you are having a conflict at home or at work, I’d like to invite you to make a teal move and step right up this week for a Free Breakthrough Conversation.
We’ll take a look at what you need and want to happen in your relationship, where you are experiencing obstacles and explore new possibilities for you.
As always, I invite you to share your thoughts and questions about this topic or anything else about conflict, communication and relationships.
Peace and hope for a world blooming Teal,
Check out this summary article by Laloux: The Future of Management Is Teal.